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Position vacant: New Pope Wanted

Vati Leaks - Thursday, February 14, 2013
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Pope Benedict XVI announced this week that he will resign from the papacy on February 28, 2013, and speculation is rife about who will succeed him. His decision sets the stage for a conclave to elect a new pope before the end of March, 2013, and this Vatileaks posting offers some advice and background information to the candidates contesting the position of the new leader of the Catholic Church. It should be remembered that the successful applicant must be able to take charge of a religion that is sinking in moral bankruptcy, and he must also be able to ignore Amnesty International’s accusations that the Church of Rome has constantly violated human rights. Here are some other requirements for the position of Pope:

1. The successful applicant must be ready to maintain the ancient tradition of protecting the Vatican’s international paedophile ring of thousands of Catholic priests who rape innocent little children, and follow the examples of both Pope John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI in allowing career paedophiles to continue operating unabated in the Catholic priesthood.

2. The new Pope’s first job is the impossible task of trying to attempt to recover the profound loss of faith in all Catholic countries around the world.

3. Candidates should apply for the papal position only after they have securely suppressed the sins of their past with false documentation, and thus be in a position to pretend to be unsullied. As happened with John Paul II, immediately after the elevation of the new Pope, the Vatican’s propaganda machine moved into action, and issued false statements about his past.

4. The new Pope must continue to conceal the fact that the Vatican created a false history for itself, and the Gospels are not collections of biographical facts about Jesus Christ, but un-historic priesthood fabrications. He must also maintain the Vatican’s bitter hostility towards its past being exposed, and not enter into a discussion about the erudite Dr. Joseph McCabe’s famous quote: ‘The Vatican is in the business of concealing its history’ (A History of the Popes, Dr. Joseph McCabe, Rector of Buckingham College (d. 1955); C. A. Watts and Co, London).

5. The successful applicant will need to address the recent political rejections of the Catholic Church in the USA, the Philippines, German, Ireland, the Netherlands, Australia and other countries; the priests’ revolts in Austria, Ireland, the USA and elsewhere, and the international bank regulators constant pressure on the Vatican Bank to cease its money-laundering activities.

6. The new Pope must decline all live TV interviews in case he is asked to produce evidence for the existence of Jesus Christ.

7. Hidden behind secret and complex offshore company structures, the new Pope must subtly expand the Vatican’s massive worldwide wealth of real estate, gold bullion, banks, art treasures, office blocks in London, sports stadiums, casinos, businesses, publishing houses, blocks of flats in Paris and Switzerland, stocks and bonds, that currently totals more financial value than any other single institution in the world.

8. To be a successful Pope, stage-acting experience is an advantage.

9. The applicant must be able to present the Bible as the ‘unadulterated word of God’ without bursting into laughter.

10. A life-time supply of lacy frocks and frilly overlays is part of the employment package, as is the standard pagan ‘fish-head’ papal tiara of Babylonian lore.

11. Like many popes, the applicant must say that his illegitimate daughters or sons are ‘nieces’ or ‘nephews’, and falsely pretend to be pure.

12. As the ‘infallible’ head of the Catholic Church, the new Pope must be prepared to face current and expanding charges of ‘Crimes against Humanity’ directed at the Holy See at The Hague, originally instigated against Pope Benedict XVI that pass on to the new Pope.

13. The successful applicant’s remuneration package includes unlimited amounts of cash, gold and jewels, and a palace in Vatican City resplendent with chefs, servants, housemaids and Swiss Guards for personal protection against his many enemies. A richly-appointed summer palace, the Castel Gandolfo near the Mediterranean Sea is included in the package and comes complete with a swimming pool and a personal staff of around 50 people.

14. He must be prepared for other countries to follow Ireland’s example in shutting down their Embassies in Rome and severing their ties with the Vatican.

15. The new Pope will have a jet airliner available to provide free, unlimited first-class international travel for him and his hangers-on.

16. The successful applicant will receive the key to the executive toilet in the ‘Raphael bathroom’ in Vatican City’s papal palace, and will be excused for vomiting on the Cortina Marble tiles if intoxicated.

17. The position offers exquisite gourmet meals and fine vintage wines free for the remainder of the successful applicant’s life.

18. The victorious candidate faces a growing sense of disillusionment with the Catholic Church as millions leave, and others look at the Holy See with deep skepticism after learning about centuries of falsifications and pre-meditated forgeries in the Christian Gospels.

19. The new appointee to the chair of St. Peter must, on all occasions, pretend to be interested in the concerns of Christian believers, and not spend his days shooting birds in the Vatican gardens as did one of his predecessors.

Applicants are invited to apply in Vatican City in the first instance in March 2013 at the conclave in the Sistine Chapel, and be ready to indulge in offering bribes to the cardinals that is a traditional part of the process of becoming pope.


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